Tired of paying $84 a month for DirecTV? Hate to tell ya, but there's no way to cancel it online, so forget it. You can spend money online with DirecTV a zillion different ways, but you can't cancel. You have to call them.
Next, by phone you'll be presented with a recorded voice and list of choices, none of which are "I want to cancel my account!" So you must interrupt the robot voice and scream, "AGENT!" The voice will say something like, "OK, but tell me what you need." And you scream, "I want to cancel!!!"
Eventually, you will get a live person whose first lines of his/her script are a profoundly insincere thank you for being a customer since (month, year). Now here comes the fun part: DirecTV will not hear of you cancelling! No way! You are a beloved VALUED CUSTOMER and they are going to make you happy! And you say, "Thank you so much for your scripted appreciation. I am cancelling my account now."
"Great, (your name here) but WHY are you cancelling?"
"I don't watch TV."
"But (your name here), don't you at least want to watch the local stations?"
"No. I want to cancel my account. Now."
They will not let you cancel without you answering a hundred more questions that they hope will lead to retaining you as a Valued Customer. So it is at this point that you have to tell the person to STOP TALKING. (Resist the urge to ask to speak to a supervisor, because they will put you on hold for a week in the hopes your appendix will burst while you're waiting.)
Instead, take the reigns of this nag and follow my proven script:
I am cancelling my Directv account.
Dude, did you hear that beep?
(SOUND FX: ELECTRONIC BEEP)
Yes, what was that?
It's my video camera turning on.
Since you're making an audio recording of our conversation "for quality and training purposes ha ha ha," I'm making a video of our conversation for mental health purposes.
So listen to me carefully: I'm cancelling my Directv account now. Really.
If you aggressively disregard my request to CANCEL MY ACCOUNT NOW, I'm posting my video on You Tube. How this goes is entirely up to you. You can either cancel my account MY WAY, or you can do it YOUR WAY and that's fine, because there's a teeny tiny chance you could become a YouTube sensation along with the cute puppies. So what will it be?"
DirecTV will cancel your account.
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