How to Cancel Your DirecTV Account!

Tired of paying $84 a month for DirecTV?  First of all, there's no way to cancel it online, so forget it.  You can spend money online with them a zillion different ways, but you can't cancel.  You have to call them.

Next, by phone you'll be presented with a recorded voice and list of choices, none of which are "I want to cancel my account!"  So you interrupt the robot voice and scream, "AGENT!"  The voice will say something like, "OK, but tell me what you need."  And you say, "I want to cancel."  

Eventually, you will get a live person whose first lines of his/her script are an insincere thank you for being a customer since (month, year).  Now here comes the fun part: Directv will not hear of you cancelling!  No way!  You are a beloved VALUED CUSTOMER and they are going to make you happy!  And you say, "Thank you for your scripted appreciation.  I am cancelling my account now."  

"Great, (your name) but WHY are you cancelling?"  

"I don't watch TV."  

"But (your name), don't you at least want to watch the local stations?"  

"No. I want to cancel my account. Now."  

They will not let you cancel without you answering a hundred more questions that they hope will lead to retaining you as a Valued Customer.  So it is at this point that you have to tell the person to STOP TALKING.  (Resist the urge to ask to speak to a supervisor, because they will put you on hold for a week in the hopes your appendix will burst while you're waiting and you'll think better of it.  So don't bother.) 

Instead, take the reigns of this nag and follow your own script: (and you have my blessings to use this script as a TEMPLATE for cancelling anything!)

(YOU)

I am cancelling my Directv account.

(SOUND FX: ELECTRONIC BEEP)

Dude, did you hear that beep?

(DUDE)

Yes, what was that?

(YOU)

It's my Flipcam turning on.

Since you're making an audio recording of our conversation "for quality and training purposes," I'm making a video of our conversation for mental health purposes.  

Listen carefully: I'm cancelling my Directv account now.  Really.

         If you aggressively disregard my request to CANCEL MY ACCOUNT NOW,  I'm posting my video on You Tube.  How this goes is entirely up to you.  

You can either cancel my account MY WAY, or you can do it YOUR WAY and that's fine, because there's a teeny tiny chance you could become a YouTube sensation along with the cute puppies. So what will it be?"   

They will cancel your account.

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Comments

[Andrew]

LOL that’s a nice script there, and it would probably work. I actually work for DISH Network and I used to be one of the folks that cancelled accounts. While I tried to ask a few questions too, there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it, and a time you have to recognize that the only way to provide good customer service is to let that customer go as quickly and efficiently as possible. That said though, there’s been a lot of times where customers called in to cancel because they had a very simple and easy problem to fix, or because they were being given false information from another source—it is those instances that I’m glad I asked a few questions. Still though from everything I hear, DirecTV isn’t doing the right thing very often, in fact it seems like you have to go to the news to get them to treat customers right as shown in this article: http://articles.chicagotribune.com/2011-10-04/business/ct-biz-1004-problem-dagosto-20111004_1_directv-customer-directv-spokesman-robert-mercer-directv-contract

It’s sad that that had to go so far.

[Tronica]

I know I was lied to about my account from a service agent. An they were going to interrupt my service without a 24hour notice so I could do an extension. So As I was explaining to one agent who did not tell me they were transferring me to yet another agent, then me an this other agent went round and round. Finally I told her to cancel my account, an then it was on, for 45 minutes I got so frustrated I hung up I wanted my account cancelled.
The agent called back, and I went again another round with this agent. I am so frustrated with this company and I feel as though I am being held hostage. I have been with directv for 8years. I use to love this company, but now I feel as though they have lost sight of their customers and what their customers use to mean to them.
Their service is horrible now, and God forbid you want to cancel, if you don't have a miagraine just go through the process and you will be popping an excedrin faster than you can say directv.